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The Oncoming Storm

(but my skin's still made of memories)

the lonely bigorna

sigh of jun

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August 23rd, 2013

Long time!

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sigh of jun
Just made a bunch of entries public. I should probably look over them, but I've become so distanced from the emotional wreck I was a lot of the time (well, still a wreck, but in a different way) that they don't make me feel as vulnerable anymore. I do wish I would/could write the poems and paragraphs that led me to where I am today, but instead I feel that they helped mold my personality. They helped me solidify my thoughts and feelings and figure out exactly who I was and still am, deep down. I'm glad that livejournal still lives on and I will continue to reflect on my previous musings, and, who knows, maybe even add to the pool!

Good luck everyone.

December 23rd, 2012

(no subject)

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sigh of jun
Survived an apocalypse,
Maybe even a war
But I am always searching
For what I'm here for
Closer to the goal now,
I can see success in sight
But I have yet to learn
How to bask in the delight

September 13th, 2012

Working through

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serious noodles
Viewing things from the inside
I still find that I don't have the time
To truly experience the thoughts I think
The words I speak
The passions I feel
There is a glass here, large, 2 inches thick - bullet proof
The light reflects through it in funny ways
On funny days
Oh how sometimes I wish I could just push right through
See what is truth
The continuous fabrics of the lives of me and you
This one sided window pane
It is a shame
Sometimes the fog is thick and I cannot see
What's standing there in front of me
Sometimes the demons dance inside
While outside is only rain and sunlight
How do I express to you these things I feel?
All my emotions, projected on a movie reel.
I want to tell you all the words
That move and hum, that bash and serve
Me as their master.
Ramble ramble on, still ever faster-
Don't you wonder what goes on inside my head?
Where wonder leads to crumbling falls
And emotions so strong I can't sit with them for long
As they loom like giants, arms ready to swallow me home
They're falling on top of me!-
And I, I run away
Live to fight another day
Don't you care to hear my struggle?
I can articulate above the rumble of my desperation
Listen close

August 23rd, 2012

Random contemplation

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sigh of jun
I am the slow boil
I am the simple moments
I am the comforting joy worth waiting for,
But not explosive.
I am a solid thing beneath the feet of many,
But most do not know I exist
I am not so much an iceberg as the single story street level building
That decends into an underground city
How many people see my worth?
How many people can fathom
The lengths to which I would go for so many I know so little about?
For me it's not the quantity of my friends, but the quality.
Quality of time, quality of spirit.
Even if I have not seen you in years,
I will run to your aid,
Should you need it, and more importantly
Should you ask
I am the teller at the help desk
The store clerk no one talks to
I have all the answers, all the advice,
All the good intentions and willingness to keep my promises
But no one ever asks
I am the slow boil
I wait until nature will not let me hover quietly any longer
But-
What part of this is good for life?
I am patience unending for the things most people shout for
And I shout for the things most people put off.
Am I a contradiction?
Is it beneficial?
Or will my foundation crumble?

July 20th, 2012

Steps

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intellect tea
The winds of change howl softer now, sweeping gently through the streets
It seems I've made it through the first of storms, the kind that make me weep
In this life I felt so little for so long ago, oh how did I forget the snow?
So white upon my window pane, it helped to ease my grief and pain.
All brought upon by just myself- so little did I know of the world and of my own power.

It seems this endless summer, has me sweating in it's grasp
To burn and yearn and work hard for somethings I hope will last.
These changes are they permanent? These changes will they stay?
I'm not holding on so fiercely now, so it's easier to see the day.
It's easier to step back and see, the futility of my actions
It's coming slowly, Patience, in her majesty,
To stretch time out and monitor all my reactions.
I am becoming a friend of myself- so little did I know of my own strengths

Though sometimes I'm still that little girl that had no idea who she was in the world
Taking the harsh words of a mother, I felt I was to blame for all the blunders
For all of the problems, for all of the messes, for all the faults and broken hearts
If I was just a good kid, we'd not be short on living expenses
Not living in debt, not suffering like this.
I think that's where my anger comes from,
Because mom, I really did try.
I became a quiet and a patient thing
Sometimes forever (or so it seemed)
I held my tongue and I nodded at your words, tried to follow every chore,
I couldn't see the point at all, but what was I to do?
Depression had it's dark hold over you,
And you are weak, just naturally, and no one taught me to understand
How hard it is sometimes for people just to wake up and stand
I have always been able to pull out of bed, to pull out of my head, and to find some stable ground
It may be scarce and hard to find, but eventually it's always around
And sometimes my falls may be violent and loud, crazy and seemingly unending,
But pounding on the floors got me no where,
And yelling at you only caused me pain.
All I wanted was to help you, and all I got was the same.
I felt that since I was your "only", that I was your pride and joy,
That I should have more of an effect upon your daily world.
No matter if I was good or bad though,
No more friends did you have. No more people did you meet.
There was no change in your face.
I had no control over your weight or your happiness.
So it was there the anger grew,
From blaming myself to blaming you.
It's not my fault, you're the one to hate! It's what you deserve for causing me pain.

My childhood screamed of pain, so I got some perspective
I found some friends that had it worse, some that had it different.
I searched out those who struggled, and marveled at their differences
I want to understand this magnificence of humanity, the facing of adversity, the thousands of scenarios- what is it that makes us normal?
And the hardest part is understanding those that give up and those who don't try,
Because inside my heart some little part of me still feels at fault (just like mother said)
There must have been something I didn't do, or something I could have said!
The knot still twists inside me, and I want to yell at you for this too.
Just a few words said to a 10 year old kid- Man, did those ripples run!
Expanding through my childhood, into the woman I've become.
Are you happy with your life?
Because you never told me this. You said that you were proud of me,
That I was the best thing you ever did,
But are you happy with your life? Are you happy with yourself?
Because if you were then maybe I could learn to forgive myself
I can't stand it now, how it often seems, you put your pride into my success.
I am not all that you are, and I am not all that you have accomplished.
I refuse this association!
And I will burn down every rope of this bridge to keep you from claiming me.

Maybe someday soon acceptance will come, with a lot of deep breathes and a lot of words written down
But who knows how long these things will take?
Will I jump for the effort? Or is it too risky to take?
Sometimes my feelings of zen come from not wanting to effect the world at all,
From watching it's beauty with the eyes of observation.
Each thing in it's own time, each thing with it's own beauty.
Time has taken me to turn that view upon myself.
This girl who jumps through hoops for you, and everyone,
Who does not tell you she feels strung out and used up so often that she feels it's unfair
So take care of yourself girl! Stop looking for affirmation, stop looking for acceptance.
Stop holding yourself up only by the opinions of others, that's what got you into this mess in the first place.
So take a moment and a couple of shakes, wipe that etched in frown off your face,
And just accept it.

It seems this endless summer, has me sweating in it's grasp
To burn and yearn and work hard for somethings I hope will last.
These changes are they permanent? These changes will they stay?
I'm not holding on so fiercely now, so can I have some say?
In which direction I will choose, not forced upon me, not forced by rebellion,
I find that this direction suits me well, but knowing why deeper than force is it's own companion.
It's coming slowly, oh Patience,
Calm in her majesty,
To stretch out time and windingly find,
The weakness in all my objections.

May 1st, 2012

(no subject)

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sigh of jun
Can I keep you secret darling?
Can I keep you safe my love?
From all that may alarm you
From the heavens and the clouds above

I want to keep you safe my darling
From the nice words they may say
I want to keep you safe from falling
I want to keep you safe from pain
You've hurt so much so far, dear
I want to keep you safe for long
I want to stop the strength of you fear
I want to put it in a song

Can I keep you secret darling?
Can I keep you safe my love?
I don't want them snarling,
I don't want to push or shove
To save method of your kindness,
To hold to me your wiseness

I want to keep you safe my darling
From their judging and their jeering
Because if it's just us two
I can always keep believing
In the sanctity of my superiority
To my importance in that special way
You've hurt so much so far dear
I want to make sure you stay

Can I keep you secret darling?
I just don't want you to stray
I want to stay in limbo,
Forever in this we are away

Can I keep you safe, my darling?
Because if anyone should know
What I do about you darling,
Wherever would we go?
You'd get the girl you've been waiting for
And I would get the slamming door
A sad story to tell the friend's back home
The girl with nothing who is now alone

I want to keep you safe my darling
From the nice words they may say
I want to keep you safe from falling
I want to keep you safe from pain
You've hurt so much so far, dear
I want to keep you safe for long
I want to stop the strength of you fear
I want to put it in a song

Can I keep you secret darling?
Can I keep you safe my love?
The method of your kindness,
Is a well kept secret from above
Can I keep you here my darling?
Can I keep you safe my love?
Because I don't want them knowing
What my heart so fondly sings of

(no subject)

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sigh of jun
There has never been a love story told like mine before
There is no happy ending, no tragedy, no core
It is fleeting, painful, strung out to last
Past the days and the months as they fly by
Lingering with the hope of someday exploding
Into brilliant array of compassion

There's never been a love story told like mine before
Where I don't go spouting colorful metaphors
There is no moral of lasting effort or the strength to let go
I say that it's misunderstood,
But really it's just weak
I love him from afar, fearing I might slip up and reveal my weakness
He loves me unwillingly.
I picture it in his actions,
I sense it in his words,
But it's so buried down there
There's no hope for this world
Half made up in my mind,
Half a beautiful reality that I wouldn't trade
So here I stay


----------------------------------------------------

Let's make this fiction. It's so bland when I write about my personal stuff, especially since I'm trying to avoid having such strong emotions towards it which only leads to more pain.

----------------------------------------------------

There has never been a love like mine before
Standing out like trouble, shoving past and through the door,
It left me crying, lying on the floor
When I couldn't ask for anymore

There has never been a love like mine oh no,
That fell from heaven down through the snow,
He came like a storm a plowed through the rows
Of all that had been, all that came before

There has never been a love like mine, for sure
It's certain that this blank slate has lures,
But it's certain that I'm one who could never ask for more
Than something that leaves me crying on the floor, oh no

There has never been a sight like this,
Where I stare at the skies and I shake my fists
For the blessings, for this curse,
For the moments that pause,
For the moments that make it worse
I could never ask for more, oh no,
Than this love of mine, that has no where to go

There has never been a love like mine before
Where I stand and I wait for the door in the face
But it never comes, so I stand and I beg
For something concrete, for something to end

There has never been a love like this, oh no,
This one sided bliss, it's heaven sent
To shine down on me until I'm spent
Light shining through my fingers where your hand should be

There's never been a love like mine for sure
I keep waiting, hoping to find the cure
In the moments when I choose to stay
With gumption and a notion this will be the way
And in the moments that I choose to go,
Because I know, there is nothing here but hope

There has never been a sight like this,
Where I stare at the skies and I shake my fists
For the blessings, for this curse,
For the moments that pause,
For the moments that make it worse
I could never ask for more, oh no,
Than this love of mine, that has no where to go

Oh, there has never been a love like mine before
When I don't know if I'm crying, or if I'm hoping for more
Oh, there has never been a love like mine, oh no
Where I can't tell if you'll ever see
Oh, there has never been a love like mine for sure,
While I wait for much longer than a girl should wait for
Oh, there has never been a sigh like this
Staring at the skies,
I shake my fists

March 28th, 2012

(no subject)

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lostdoctor
I am still searching, searching
What happens when things go the way they were suppose to?
What happens when no one is there to praise you,
When no one is there to make you believe?
Must you believe in yourself more fully,
Can I make that jump and fill my heart with passion and love
Only for myself?
Or will I be lost to the the strange half existence that plagues me sometimes
When I feel unfulfilled because no one is here
I am the tree in the forest,
Cut down while no one was watching
I am the tree in the forest
That sprouted wings and flew from the earth
While no one was watching
So what have I become?
And what shall become of me?

March 23rd, 2012

New Skin

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intellect tea
It feels as if I'm shedding skin
Layer after layer to be born again
First one layer than the next,
I understand the ways of this.
There are things that must be done,
There are paths that must be taken,
I must labor towards them head on, refuse to be shaken
And although this frees me from my weight of trouble-
It lessens the strength of my pain,
It wrestles down the seed of my doubt,
Squeezes and shrinks the size of my guilt
Frees me of sadness, and sometimes of shame,
I know that not always will these feelings remain open to the light
I know that what is right is not hiding them,
But accepting them.
I am through running from myself-
My new exposed form feels weak.
Having just escaped from this net
I must run now.

I feel the fear of entrapment in the cast off remains of the life before
The existence that was before
The lost and the hopeless direction, swaying lazily from side to side,
The endless and the pointless suffering caused by my own thoughts
The madness
It's fading, but I will not let it be shoved into darkness,
I must keep myself exposed, try to fill myself with light
Brightly burning, shining white,
It has such a strength that I do not.
I must understand this, know my faults and flaws,
Shedding with the ignorance, my old skin,
Ready to be born again.
The shadows reach out for me and I step back
I cringe openly, afraid-
Keep running
I am not out of the darkness yet
Vulnerable, but making change
Yes, I'm ready to be born again
Shedding skin, shredding weakness
But inside the worry spreads,
This second guessing will catch up to me,
If I don't just let it be

March 12th, 2012

(no subject)

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sigh of jun
Oh please oh please just take my hand
I don't want to travel alone in this foreign land
My arms are weary and my clothing torn,
But it's always so long till I realize what it's all been for
I have not noticed till now
That in order to stand proud I have required the arm of another
One foot in front of the other, such a hard concept for one who has yet to gain the confidence to walk on her own
I never knew I had grown
So attached to those few around me
I always pictured myself independent, because my dependence upon them allowed me to believe that image.
I had a safety net,
The whole world clutched to my chest.

I sigh in relief as it all begins to slip away
As day by day I find my own strength
I'm moving ahead, pulling my light away from yours
It shows me what I've been fighting for
Only one light shines brighter now that I'm gone
And I'm guessing it's for you that I feel a battle's one
No more dedicated are you than the day we first met
But it's like a flower in the sun
Maybe I have begun
To appreciate the moment instead of drowning it in the what ifs and what could bes
It's only me
And I'm going to be okay with that.
A little disorganized and occasionally a big ball of depression, but I'm okay

Not poetic in the least, just an evening thought bubble.
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