Master and everyone

Mrs. Jones sits by the window still
She sits there, keeping very still,
Motions and emotions go fleeting through her eyes
But nothing shows on her face,
The image is dry
Static wasting time on a t.v. screen
She smiles, trying to keep your attention in between
The face you see, the girl you know,
And the illusion you're building up all on your own
What can you say about Mrs. Jones?
Simple hair, simple face, a soft and subtle grace?
What comes through the scorpions tongue?
What stories, what emotions, what fantasies does she dig up in your mind?
What twisted slosh of words do you use to describe her,
Sitting by the window sill, always very still
Lounging on couches, smoking cigarettes like a pro
She's the woman you'll never know,
And maybe its better that way
Maybe this simple image is better than anything you can say
Combined with a couple quiet nights in the dark,
We're seeing sparks!
Everyone's eager to meet the illusive mrs. Jones
The woman that might be easing up your pain
The woman who helps your heart stay thawed out
Or do you draw her picture differently?
Does she mean more to you?
Does she mean less?
I bet Mrs. Jones doesn't stress
She probably doesn't scream, is never mean, and only wants your happiness
You can see it in her eyes
When they're open wide and seeing the world as it really is
Alive with needy people, disatisfaction, and sin
Mrs. Jones sees it all begin
She's there at birth, at life, at death,
But next to the window sill she rests
With a silent phone, and no place to go

Why don't you give her a call?
Who knows what happens next?

I feel like I'm at the end of some long journey
Trudging through non-existant snow in hope of finding life,
Compainionship, friendship, and a home
The silent cellphone haunts me
As I type words on its unresponsive screen
Ranting and raving to people who don't need me,
But have the extreme curtisy to listen to a raving loony
And that's what I am,
Straight from the loony bin
Trying to be all that I am, all that I have been
I am different, unique, and sometimes I hope supreme
To everything that's in between
The words "woman" "lady" and "fabulous"
I pin point patterns, always have
To try and avoid being petty and drab
To try and not be the girl who broke your heart,
Or the girl you could never have,
Or the girl who you despise but can't seem to life without
But I'm having doubts.
Because those girls get undying devotion,
Those girls capture your heart in an unrelenting void of passion
They don't share your interests, they don't like your friends,
They call you drunk and fuck things up,
Again and again
But you want them.
You want their bodies, their figures dancing above you
Pulling you in for a kiss, tinged with poison
But I'm too careful for that
Trying to be cool, trying to be where its at
So much that when I'm lying there,
Crying and sobbing my woe of woes
You're no where to be found,
Chillin with your bros
Because I try so hard to make it look like I'm alright,
To make it seem that I'm okay,
But I'm not
This day to day boring life has got me trudging through depression
Without rhyme nor reason, nor practical cause
But I need that to be alright,
I need someone to hold a light in this sad life of mine
To run up to my door,
No reason at all,
And answer my silent, unanswered call,
For companionship, for friendship,
For a great night of sex
Once more I feel used, abused, and set off to the side
Because that's the kind of girl I am
I let you get on with your plans,
Let you do your own thing,
I try not to intrude, try not to pull strings
I learned the guilt trip from my mom
She drew maps and diagrams a thousand miles long
And all my life I've manipulated people, when I'm in my darkest hour
"Feel bad for me! Woe is life, and I am its queen
I am its center,and I feel like shit,
So fucking comfort me! I'll make you feel as I feel
I'll drag you down with me,
Into the depths of my insanity
You have no idea"

I feel like I'm at the end of some long journey
Trudging through non-existant snow in hope of finding life,
Compainionship, friendship, and a home
The silent cellphone haunts me
As I type words like unresponsive dreams
To people who don't need me,
People who don't want me,
And I want to know why!!!
What is it about me that makes me unwanted, unlovable?
Why is my phone silent unless you deem to need me?
For connections, for listening, for money, for fame,
It's all the same in the end
When I'm alone again
I give up all those who might want me for me,
Because they still don't see,
The underlying connection that doesn't exist
That sense of home and rightness,
That there is none of,
Between me and those who have time for nothing else but me
All those who have given me all their time,
Have nothing better to do, I do believe
And that belief sets me free
To tumble down again
There is no effort to their love,
No monumentous attempts to gain my affections
I've never had a man who will jump through hoops so I will date him,
Never that perfect man who know when I need someone,
Understands my insanity and merely a passing phase that occurs when I am ignored,
Unneeded.
The second the cries switch to "I love you!" from "I need you!"
I run again, I fall again,
And I cry again, another stupid mistake made in the hopes that I'll find the man
That just shows up at my door,
No notice, just because he's been there before,
And he knows me, and he knows that by now I'm sitting there alone,
With my music on, my tears held in,
Watching reruns and trying to let sleep sink in
We'll make some coffee, talk about nothing important,
In words that ring with understanding.
Then we'll plan a date for the next night,
Because he knows I need to get out of this apartment that's killing me slowly
But such a nice place to die,
Around all my things and the memories I've made
Pretty photographs of all the good times I've had,
All the smiles I've shared with friends and family
A constant reminder that I'll be okay.
I just need to make it through one more night of darkness,
Stop thinking dark thoughts that lead me no where,
Get a hobby, get a pet,
But I need money first.
So I'll just stick with venting
In a not very poetic fashion

(I really just need to go home, and I've got one more day and enough stuff to occupy my time... But still not enough to keep my stupid genetic depression at bay. Oh well.)

To avoid my destiny again
I strive to make my existence mean something more
I strive to put my foot out the door
In the door, through the door
Some sort of action must come from this
But I must resist
I must accept and understand
My urge to dance, my urge to pretend,
All stems from panic, sprouting deep
Within my chest, I heave heavy sighs and want to weep
The signal's blurry, fading fast,
As I lose everything of myself that is part of the past
I have a few straws,
A few fragments I hold onto,
But what am I now?
A child,
A muse,
A figure in a museum-
Of unwanted things?
I feel used, I feel abused
By the system, by the people in this god forsaken town
Where a smile is a frown,
Talking is a pile of shit, it's of the essence!
And sports are what the buzz is all about
Like this buzzing in my brain,
Let me rephrase,
I have no attachment to sports, but still my mind buzzes
With all these pointless classes,
These pointless fusses,
These pointless struggles to gain a piece of paper
Can I just write my name on it, say it's done,
And call the mystical 911,
To save my sanity, to save my reason?
To save my money, it 'tis the season,
To give and give and see family and friends
But all I see are the same episodes again
Gilmore, Buffy, Doctor Who
It's the same every time, the same all the way through
But I laugh, I smile, I cry a while,
And I text again the numbers that don't respond
Where the silence of my phone makes me think something's gone wrong
But what am I now?
A texting machine
A lost soul trapped in the inbetween
Stuck between then and now,
With no hope of finding a way out
I need action,
I need revenge,
I need to let the real me break through
Just let me scream at you
I'll tell you that I feel used and worthless
And yet so happy I could cry
I'll tell you that I think awful thoughts when you're away
Sinking to the floor in my attempts to keep these feelings at bay
I love the freedom I have living alone,
But living in the unknown's killing me
What do I mean to you?
What does any of this mean?
Am I just sinking into the future,
Unable to be seen?
A fly in the way,
Reduced to a crawl,
"Invisible girl that was my name"
Until I struck a light on your radar,
Only because you needed me,
Only because I responded to your cries and drunken calls,
But when my mind goes haywire,
Scattering my sanity amongst the wolves that roam the outer reaches of my brain,
I question my motives, question my words,
I just want to be heard,
And I'll go to almost any lengths to get a response
To hear a voice on the other end of the line
Pulling me back down into myself I hear the voice of reason
But what if there's no answer?
What if no one knows?
Then I just break out,
Get in the car and drive,
Find myself while I walk through the cold
That calm cool center that I've made my home
"Invisible girl that was my name
She walks in and walks out
And I'm sorry now"
Like I told you once before,
She writes my life,
Or do I live her words?
It's a big unknown factor in my late night exploration of myself
But now,
"I think about how much I
Miss you when you're not around
When I think about you
I think about how much I
Can't wait to hear the sound
Of your laughter [of your stories, of your reenacting past experiences and talking about absolutely nothing]
Time and distance never matter...

Well I miss you now
I have so many questions
About love and about pain [about us, about your name, about your story and what you think of us]
About [strange] relationships
About [love] as only he could explain it to me"

To avoid my destiny again
I strive to make my existence mean something more
I strive to put my foot out the door
In the door, through the door
Some sort of action must come from this
But I must resist

Rosy cheeks and rolling eyes
On a steamy Sunday night
They had a date for phone sex
Oh but the princess phone has been quiet

Writes his name on the bathroom mirror
While she waits in soapy streaks
Probably stuck to his couch back east
Depressed, but you know he's safe, at least

Plane crash footage on TV
I know, I know that could be me
Plane crash footage on TV
Oh yeah, I know that could be me
Keep your nose down
I think there's ice on our wings

Another Sunday night
Well, it's still dusk
It's still light
Phone starts ringing and she's almost dry
Well, there'll be other nights
But admit this is the worst time
And what ever made you think I had control?
Let's scare everybody, let's just roll our own

Plane crash footage on TV
I know, I know that could be me
Keep your nose down either way
Don't you ever feel you just survive, some days?

Keep your nose down
I think there's ice on our wings, yeah
And if you go now
Keep the ice off your wings
Keep your nose down and the ice off your wings
And the ice off your wings
Keep your nose down
And the ice off your wings
And the ice off your wings
Keep your nose down
And the ice off your wings

There will be no Sunday nights
Let's just roll our own

Lonely little love dog that
No one knows the name of
I know why you cry out
Desperate and devout

Timid little teether
Your eyes set on the ether
Your moon in a bella luna and
Howling hallelujah

Nameless you above me
Come lay me low and love me
This lonely little love dog
That no one knows the name of

Curse me out in free verse
Wrap me up and reverse this
Patience is a virtue
Until it's silence burns you

And something slow
Has started in me as
Shameless as an ocean
Mirrored in devotion

Something slow
Has sparked up in me
As dog cries for a master
Sparks are whirling faster

Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the ways of
Where the land is low is
Where the bones'll show through

Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the days of
Where the land is low is
Where the water flows to
And holds you

With my heart changing so fast,
Clicking, switching, twitching, frame
Of mind, (every second something new)
Carpe deim, seize the day,
Will never be the same
As the world gets shifted right than left
I feel loved, I feel hated,
I feel left with all the rest
Sometimes ahead of the game,
Sometimes so far behind
The world looks different
From my girlhood eyes
Arms sore from box lifting.
Eyes tired from lack of sleeping,
Lungs heavy with smoke,
Heart heavy, about to choke,
With the pain of keeping things simple,
Keeping things safe,
I wander and wait,
For myself to come find me,
I've long since been gone,
And I've long since been incomplete
My bed made nice and neat,
Is no fun to sleep in alone
But the face doesn't seem to matter anymore
I'll just take whoever knocks on that door
Whoever runs in, says hello, and wipes their shoes on the rug
Maybe it doesn't even matter if I've seen them before!
But I know that's a lie,
I know down deep inside I'm just searching for a connection
A vibrant reflection
Of myself in someone else's eyes
But maybe this time I'm looking for a different me
A different way that I can say "We
Will be together forever"
Without the fear in my heart,
The apathy in my eyes
I think I'm looking for someone to make me grow,
Beyond this weak hearted mortal frame
Someone to claim me, and take me as their own
Under their wing I'll sing and fly high
Studying into the long hours of the night
But when I grow, I grow to fast, wanting every moment to be multiplied
I have no skill at moderation
As my larger frame is a good indication
I struggle with the classic fault
Of whether to call or not to call
Because when someone clings to me as such,
I get cold feet, I get in a rush to get away
But if you don't treat me the same way,
I get depressed, I get distressed.
What have I done wrong?
Do they not like me anymore?
Are we in high school still?
I think I heard a bell ring.
It's the facts that sting.
That I'm hypocrytical
That I'm unpoetic

So how can I not screw this up?
This much needed relaxation with this much unneeded stress
How can I not give this up?
This perfection sleeping on the couch,
Relaxed in aged glory,
Snoring relentlessly to the night that does not care
That I need more hours in life,
That I need more time to get things straight
That I can't write three papers, prepare all my studying,
Move into a new apartment, redirect all my utilities,
And prepare for a concert all in one week
It leaves me weak
Ready to collapse, and it hasn't even happened yet
The fear of next week looms over me like an anvil in a cartoon
It's all too soon
So soon since my world went from flat to round
And I found out, yet again,
I have no feelings for one who loved me so deeply
So deeply he wept, so deeply it hurt him,
And it hurts me to think that I've left another bloody carcuss litering the streets of my past
I tear the up, spit them out,
It never lasts
So glancing once more at the man on my couch,
I fear
Will it happen again?
How can I not screw this up?
This much needed relaxation with this much unneeded stress
How can I not give this up?
This perfection sleeping on the couch,
Relaxed in aged glory,
Snoring relentlessly to the night that does not care
(I cannot relax,
And I cannot admit any potential feelings,
Until the single me has come to terms with the devil that she is
With the devil that lurks inside, that some men oddly find attractive)

My pen is broken, bleeding ink,
As my eyes droup and try to sink into the floor
But those eyes have been there before,
And never wants sleep to come before
Satisfaction, and a way out of this rabbit hole
We're jumping to see how far this goes
As we spiral down, into the ground, below the floor beyond the roots
Beyond the sewers, sinking into something new
Hoping I can make it through
Hoping I can open up, hoping I can suck it up,
Crack me open let me bleed
Like my pen on paper
Currently I'm bleeding sleep
Im bleeding happiness
I'm bleeding loneliness
As I tried to be alone and hole myself up in a getaway retreat,
I tripped over my feet
And my house came tumbling down
Now I'm cracked, turned upside down,
And sinking slowly into the ground.

I've found a light, a piece of gold,
A hidden gem with stories untold
And what comes from this? Why was it hiding there?
Why was it lost to the world, without a care in my mind,
In my eyes, I had lost this
In my mind this was not possible,
And yet did I want it?
Did I not know I wanted it?
Where do I stand?
Well, my friend, you're still in quicksand
Sinking slowly into the ground
below the floor beyond the roots
Beyond the sewers, sinking into something new
Hoping I can make it through
Hoping I can open up, hoping I can suck it up,
Crack me open let me bleed
Like my pen on paper

Material girl in the material world
Sometimes I want to throw all those material things
Into the material fire
I want to run far away from them,
Because I'm a material liar
My possessions say nothing of me,
And yet they own me
They define me.
I feel as if my life is defined, by how much I can fit into boxes
Defined by how much I can reorganize my life in 10 seconds flat
10, 9, 8...
I stare at the trinkets, and at the books I've never read
7, 6, 5...
I choose random things to throw away, master of my own domain.
4, 3, 2...
And one by one I place them all,
Into boxes labeled wrongly
My possessions turn into a kitchen store room.
The table ready dry-packed eggs
The box of dole fresh cut salads
These now define my life,
Through wisdom and strife,
As I try and grasp something in this material world
I try to cling to anything that won't lift up off the ground with the first gust of wind
Because I'm like a kite without string, a balloon with no one to hold it,
And in the quiet evening sky,
I float away
A material girl surrounded by material things

Let's settle this alone one time
All just me and me this time
Can I make the choice and stick to it?
Can my will be strong enough to take it?
Let's listen to the heavy bass
As the first cool nights calm my center,
Inner peace that comes at the price of losing stage 4
Inner peace that comes from neglecting my REM
From neglecting my mind,
From not allowing it to refresh and make new connections
Inner peace for the price of not letting sleep organize my mind for me

Let me do this, just for once,
Alone by myself, just for once,
Can I avoid worrying about money?
Can I avoid letting my heart run away with reason?
Again and again, but it's the losing season
Lose a job, lose a wife,
And hope that in the end I don't lose my life
Without having a chance at inner peace
Without having a chance to understand the calm that I so rarely see in others
From this need I have to understand myself, and
From this lack of strength I have to make this understanding possible
I seek inner peace at the price of not letting sleep organize my mind for me