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The Oncoming Storm

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intellect tea
The winds of change howl softer now, sweeping gently through the streets
It seems I've made it through the first of storms, the kind that make me weep
In this life I felt so little for so long ago, oh how did I forget the snow?
So white upon my window pane, it helped to ease my grief and pain.
All brought upon by just myself- so little did I know of the world and of my own power.

It seems this endless summer, has me sweating in it's grasp
To burn and yearn and work hard for somethings I hope will last.
These changes are they permanent? These changes will they stay?
I'm not holding on so fiercely now, so it's easier to see the day.
It's easier to step back and see, the futility of my actions
It's coming slowly, Patience, in her majesty,
To stretch time out and monitor all my reactions.
I am becoming a friend of myself- so little did I know of my own strengths

Though sometimes I'm still that little girl that had no idea who she was in the world
Taking the harsh words of a mother, I felt I was to blame for all the blunders
For all of the problems, for all of the messes, for all the faults and broken hearts
If I was just a good kid, we'd not be short on living expenses
Not living in debt, not suffering like this.
I think that's where my anger comes from,
Because mom, I really did try.
I became a quiet and a patient thing
Sometimes forever (or so it seemed)
I held my tongue and I nodded at your words, tried to follow every chore,
I couldn't see the point at all, but what was I to do?
Depression had it's dark hold over you,
And you are weak, just naturally, and no one taught me to understand
How hard it is sometimes for people just to wake up and stand
I have always been able to pull out of bed, to pull out of my head, and to find some stable ground
It may be scarce and hard to find, but eventually it's always around
And sometimes my falls may be violent and loud, crazy and seemingly unending,
But pounding on the floors got me no where,
And yelling at you only caused me pain.
All I wanted was to help you, and all I got was the same.
I felt that since I was your "only", that I was your pride and joy,
That I should have more of an effect upon your daily world.
No matter if I was good or bad though,
No more friends did you have. No more people did you meet.
There was no change in your face.
I had no control over your weight or your happiness.
So it was there the anger grew,
From blaming myself to blaming you.
It's not my fault, you're the one to hate! It's what you deserve for causing me pain.

My childhood screamed of pain, so I got some perspective
I found some friends that had it worse, some that had it different.
I searched out those who struggled, and marveled at their differences
I want to understand this magnificence of humanity, the facing of adversity, the thousands of scenarios- what is it that makes us normal?
And the hardest part is understanding those that give up and those who don't try,
Because inside my heart some little part of me still feels at fault (just like mother said)
There must have been something I didn't do, or something I could have said!
The knot still twists inside me, and I want to yell at you for this too.
Just a few words said to a 10 year old kid- Man, did those ripples run!
Expanding through my childhood, into the woman I've become.
Are you happy with your life?
Because you never told me this. You said that you were proud of me,
That I was the best thing you ever did,
But are you happy with your life? Are you happy with yourself?
Because if you were then maybe I could learn to forgive myself
I can't stand it now, how it often seems, you put your pride into my success.
I am not all that you are, and I am not all that you have accomplished.
I refuse this association!
And I will burn down every rope of this bridge to keep you from claiming me.

Maybe someday soon acceptance will come, with a lot of deep breathes and a lot of words written down
But who knows how long these things will take?
Will I jump for the effort? Or is it too risky to take?
Sometimes my feelings of zen come from not wanting to effect the world at all,
From watching it's beauty with the eyes of observation.
Each thing in it's own time, each thing with it's own beauty.
Time has taken me to turn that view upon myself.
This girl who jumps through hoops for you, and everyone,
Who does not tell you she feels strung out and used up so often that she feels it's unfair
So take care of yourself girl! Stop looking for affirmation, stop looking for acceptance.
Stop holding yourself up only by the opinions of others, that's what got you into this mess in the first place.
So take a moment and a couple of shakes, wipe that etched in frown off your face,
And just accept it.

It seems this endless summer, has me sweating in it's grasp
To burn and yearn and work hard for somethings I hope will last.
These changes are they permanent? These changes will they stay?
I'm not holding on so fiercely now, so can I have some say?
In which direction I will choose, not forced upon me, not forced by rebellion,
I find that this direction suits me well, but knowing why deeper than force is it's own companion.
It's coming slowly, oh Patience,
Calm in her majesty,
To stretch out time and windingly find,
The weakness in all my objections.
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