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The Oncoming Storm

(but my skin's still made of memories)

the lonely bigorna

sigh of jun

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February 28th, 2012

So... This sucks so far, but I'm messing around with song writing.

So far all I have come up with are cheesy depressing songs, so I'm trying to continue the trend by revamping some poetry to = crappy simple depressing songs.

I fretted over trying to song write for a while, then I remembered what a friend told me once. In order to write something good, you have to be sure you can write it all. There's plenty of crap that comes before.

Or something like that.

Ramble - for guitar

Paint me the sky
Paint me your mind
I'm following the blueprints
That you've left behind
The words are faded
And the image is torn
But I must try to find this thing
That I've been fighting for

All of my life
I have been searching
For some passion to fill me
Lost inside this darkness
These glimmers they are passing
Far above my waiting hands
I want the strength to grab for them
To rip them from the void
I want the strength to cling to them
To find my missing joy
My motives and my ambition
My comfort for my pain

INCOMPLETE

February 10th, 2012

Do I look fit?
Full of wit and wisdom?
Or do I look dreary,
Bored and dull?
Please don't tell me the later,
For it's the truth of the matter,
But I don't want you to tell
Don't want you to see
How although I hate myself,
You are boring me

So often I find
That inside my strange mind
I go only full one way or the next
I cannot stop the pendulum
Swing, fix and mend the full
Width and breadth
How long?
I cannot say
I can say however,
The short distance from never
Is how long it takes to go from here to there
From feeling so desperate
Uncaring and wasteless
To being fine and put back on my shelf

I see myself through your eyes
And I cry and I cry
Fists balled tight
I just want something to hit
Because no matter you vision
In this strange world we live in
I am not fit
Nor full of wit
I am not great
I am not beautiful
I'm not amazing,
Just foul
Full of reasons to hate myself
Reasons to vow
That I will not stoop to dating again your kind
That puts me up high
Inside their mind's eye
Up that high I get a nosebleed
I do not belong
To your awe,
Your devotion,
To your hymns and your songs
It does not woo me
It does not support me
It only makes me grow cold and feel hatred again
This time turned out from myself
Ah yes swinging,
This pendulum,
On it's way back

I cannot just stop it,
Here,
In this middle
I cannot make sense
Of this path that it takes
The short distance from never
My my aren't I clever?
To call it that which is not seen or existing
It seems to be non-facts that I'm listing
Are you listening??
You should be
You would be
You could be,
But how?
Tiny bug that I see,
Now that the hate's not on me
I feel better,
But worse
Which one do I deserve?
To loathe others?
Or myself?
Who asked for it more?
Was it you, when you sat there?
Looking at me, adoring
My posture my stance
My books and my movies
My material things give you such insight into my wisdom
But no insight into me!
Can't you see?!
Beyond that
You must
You must!!
But you can't.

Yes I throw out my stories
Throw out all my glory
Because your silence just stares at me
Stares at the face of me
And I can't do silence
And I can't do conversation
Unless it's about me
I'm just nervous,
Can't you see?
I'm a fraud
I'm afraid
I just need to be saved
But you don't see that in me
No you see what you want to see
Painting a picture of me
Do I look fit?
Full of wit and wisdom?
Or do I look dreary,
Bored and dull?
Please don't tell me the later,
For it's the truth of the matter,
But I don't want you to tell
Don't want you to see
How although I hate myself,
You are boring me

February 7th, 2012

Alpha

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yelling ron
There is no change inside this picture
We are still just as we were
There is no difference in this method
In this variation to what we once had
I have a sinking feeling
That this should have just ended
Badly
There is nothing new inside this image
You still avoid and blur
All the details of your feeling
They exist, but without words
You are like a magician,
Waving your magic burbon black
When you wake up tomorrow,
It won't be memories you lack
It will be the courage to say anything,
It will be the admittance that you ever feel anything
Back awake in daylight hour,
You cast your gaze away
There are no need for words,
No need to say
While you were sleeping, they locked back inside
Everything you want when you're alive
Deeply buried, and gaining rust,
Are all you feelings, your ability to trust
You gave nothing to me,
And through and through
You always denied me,
Any real piece of you.
You saw me begging, you saw me crying,
Sometimes at night you say my heart dying,
But unless you were taken,
By some spirits strong,
You would not deal with me,
You would not mourn
You sat stoic, unmoving
Until your once soft heart,
Could only do one thing.
You'd go and drink, and drink some more,
So that you could show me,
Some little sort,
Of affection lost, after the night,
But in those times, when you held me tight,
And your mind still blocked out any words,
You spoke more in riddles, spoke in curves,
And swirls of logic,
Like magic in my ears
I always heard just what I wanted to hear,
But there was no definite, only substance
How you did that, I'll never know
All I know is that I want to go
Away from you, but I can't forget

(You messaged me at 6 am,
I wanted to tell you to go to hell,
But that's after I fight off the urge to respond,
After my heart swelled, and I missed you
Instead I said something vague,
And started my day)

February 6th, 2012

Books completed this year

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serious noodles
So I've been inspired to post my book progress here. I'm not going to have that huge list of unfinished books staring at me this time around... See if that let's up on the pressure and cuts down on the avoidance. It's on my computer though. Nice big list, getting bigger.

However! I have finished my first book of the year! (it sounds like I don't read, but I do! A lot! I just pick big books and psychology books that I just never quite get through)

- Simon R. Green's From Hell with Love
- Haruki Murakami's 1Q84

As of July 2012...

- Tom Robbin's Still Life With Woodpecker
- Mercedes Lackey's Last Herald Mage (Magic's Pawn, Magic's Promise, Magic's Price)
- Eric Fromm's Psychoanalysis and Religion
- James Alan Gardner's Radiant

This is copying [info]kesdax in hopes that watching her progress will compel or motivate me in some way!

Currently reading:
- Alfred, Lord Tennyson's Idyll's of the King
- Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer
- Tom Robbin's Fierce Invalid's Home from Hot Climates

Which will I finish next?

Oh, and this is also because I have had no poetic motivation what so ever, what with starting graduate school. Also, I'm in a state of hating all my previously written works and a stint of focusing on guitar so that maybe someday I can write possibly one decent song for guitar and feel accomplished. Huzzah!

February 5th, 2012

(no subject)

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sigh of jun
Twisting around
I spin soundly
Watching the clear night
Stay motionless
I hear the notes and beats of music
Bounce softly around my ears
They enter in a state of constant motion
The mind never stops,
Even if the body is a rest
Thoughts I have just pound down on my chest
I watch the tv to slow it down,
But alas, they get louder!
The sound resounds now, like heavy thunder,
But instead it's a blunder
No intelligent information
Nothing holding me to my goals and to my seeking of
A higher understanding of the world
No, just some party girls
Beautifully crafted stories
Like art, they play out before my eyes
I know their secrets, know their lies,
And I smile as I watch,
Like I smile when I sing
All these other people's stories,
All their art makes my heart sing
But what about my mind?
I mean yes, there is an element within them that I crave due to it's intellect
But what about my studies?
I have no hardened discipline,
No strict formal way to say,
Turn of the brain sucking TV box!

Technology has made me a slave to it
I do not understand the compulsions I feel
They fluctuate like everything else in my life
I feel as if I am just another wave in this sea.

February 3rd, 2012

I heard a sound
when I was a child
someone was walking through the pillow that night
the snow muted
the pitch of night
a shadow approached across a field in white
it's only me
it's only me
and the sound of my heart it startled me
as I drifted
from the dark room
face lifted from the paper moon
reflected in the orbit bath
he manages to say before he starts to laugh
you can't always trust
the darkness and the dust
but me, I'm just a man
it's more than I can understand
it's only me

the white noise
falls away
to reveal the perfect day
where roses bloomed
out of thin air
and music rose from down the buried stairs
it's only mine
it's only mine
I grew it in the shade
when the sun couldn't shine
and at times I don't know why
the tears come to my eyes
and what if I go blind
as they flow out of my mind
it worries me
it worries me
that there's someone on my mind
who I don't see
I close my eyes to disappear
into the fields of stars between my ears
the dark
as they overlap
we follow one another
as we fade to black

it's only night
it's only night

an ultrasound when I was alive
the shadows go spying on the ones in the wild
they dip their arrows
into the sea
they wash their arms
as they wait for me
they wait for me
they wait for me
hey wait for me
hey wait for me

November 7th, 2011

-

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serious noodles
I am not what the world has made me
I am what I make of myself
Not judged by the elements that have carved me,
But seen as what I have created
What messages have I pulled out of my heart
What figurines have I put on display
Because we're all alike
You're eyes as good as mine
Your pain the same as mine
Your desire to be lazy
As strong,
If not stronger
But we are what we are made to be
As I sit here under this depression tree
But what is she?
Just a person people know of through other people
She is not the creator,
Simply the parasite
The host is what makes the most
What gives out the most juice
Hot, electric-
Lava girl
Blow this joint,
Make the world know
Keyed into your existance
People will only have respect
And never know that you felt as if you risked your own neck,
Giving the void the bird, playing along with words,
And trying,
For once in your life,
To be the one who sets the tone.
I am a follower of feelings,
Let my sinking heart tell me what I want to do,
But I am not what the world has made me,
I am what I make of myself.

November 5th, 2011

Musings

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sigh of jun
All my life I have been searching for something.
At times it seems as if that is all that life consists of is this endless search
I struggle to sit down and focus, to stop fumbling about and wringing my hands
Time is on the move, the clock is ticking,
And I'm twitch twitch twitching to move forward
To move on
I need motion
I need closure
And then I need stillness
Thick molasses

All my life I have been waiting for something
At times it feels as if I am constantly stopped and waiting
I struggle to sit up, from the weight holding me to my seat
Time passes, and yet I remain,
I'm sink sink sinking into the ground
Growing roots
I need substance
I need focus
And then I need a shock
Jolt of lighting, lift me up!

All my life I feel this push and pull
Yin and yang at war inside
My mind constantly trying to decide
Which is best, what do I need?
Which one will help me to succeed?
It's always the side I'm not sitting on yet,
The one that will punch me-
Ram me through the chest,
The moment I sit to look around,
I always find that I've found
The other side of my coin,
The other part of my existence
And I
Cannot
Be content

These flowers of mine,
They bloom inside,
So quick to die as the other grows
I am never home

Currently I feel as if I am suspended in my mind's eye
Ribbons flowing, encircling my form
I am afloat in nothingness
I am afloat in a fermenting state,
All my life I have been waiting for something,
A jump start, a purpose

(I am not staring into the void,
But the void is staring into me.
I am finally beginning to see the patterns in my mind
But without control to decide what mood I'm in today
I start to think it's not just okay
To hold onto this guard rail
Surrounding the void of my insanity)

Didn't I have a purpose just a few weeks ago?
I swear I felt a push in some direction
I was confident and comfortable doing things that I love,
But now for days I have sat here,
The mind working, but the body staying stationary
God I wish I had the money
For that therapist I had
I feel more and more every day that I need more help than I myself can offer
Even with my many different states of self
I am incomplete

As a singular entity I lack strength
I get lost withing myself,
Before I even realize that I am gone I have sunken deep
Contemplative vibes is what I feel roaming around inside,
But from the outside looking in,
All they see is a fat little girl
Lost in her thoughts and worried about the world and what it thinks.

The next step;
Force myself out of comfort
People say, "This is my getaway"
I hide inside my head
So I need to get out again
No matter how painful it is,
I need to force my brain to focus outside itself
The void looks at me worried,
But I am not afraid.

October 8th, 2011

Ramble

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sigh of jun
Paint me the sky
Paint me your mind
I'm following the blue prints
That you've left behind
The words are kind of faded,
And the image quality is dull,
But I must try to paint this thing,
As inside it twists and pulls

All of life I have searched
For some passion to fulfill me
And in those glimmers I find
Within the darkness
I want the strength to grab a hold of them
I want the strength to rip from the void my ambitions and my motivation
It is when we focus away from these things that we lose our selves and dwell in misery
This is what a book taught me
As I listen to music and read more and more words
I wonder if my voice will ever be heard
Inside my own head I often cover it up with petty thoughts and feelings
So strong they are that there is no meaning
I feel them with passion,
But they offer nothing to the coming of my greater intelligence
The final hour of my cocooning, my growth, my bliss

The new step is to grab onto the rail
I will twist and I will flail,
But no more will I fall into that endless void
For once again I tell myself it holds no joy for me
No problems get solved there
All I feel is heavy and uncaring,
I'm piled under snow,
The daylight fading from my eyes,
It's passion and it's dying
Slow death with force and heat
I'm meek, and cowardly
To die this death again and again
Grab the rail, twist and flail,
But never again into that darkness fall.
By now I must know it's call!
Every number every method that it has ever tried
Etched into the mess I've made
Inside of my own mind

Outside the daylight is bright,
And although I see it every day
The task now is to carry it with me always
Into the dark dark night
Where whispers sweet and familiar
Try and crack my fragile defenses
I must build quickly!
As the light fades
I drift away
It's better to sleep than to be crazy
Let's get up, stop being lazy
My mind is an orb of intoxicating brilliance
And I must nurture it

September 12th, 2011

Tonight

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sigh of jun
Twist and turn
Expand contract
It seems to be consistency I lack
A few brief seconds here and there
I tighten my grip,
I go no where,
But the rope changes form, it evolves without reason
Changing it's shades and hues every season
Bi-weekly, daily, and annually too
It's almost as if it changes shape for you!
I see you there with your puppet glare,
And your heart made of wood like your hands
You hang by strings, you don't feel a thing,
With those big eyes just staring staring
Who pull the string, your puppet king?
The man we've all been waiting for!
He turns on the light,
Pulls my rope twice,
And it fades from green to blue,
From rough to softly used
My hands grip tight I will not lose
I have control!
I'm in control!
I'm not going to explode!
Let's get out of this head, a float through the snow
That's falling around us now,
Yes, me and you,
The boy who frowns
Your eyes have seen too much,
Your hands have held too much,
You cannot remember how to feel a thing
Except these strings
Let's leave our minds,
Leave this husk bodies behind
Traveling through ice and snow
We don't feel a thing,
But free
And that's what I want,
For you and for me,
But for me you are the gateway
Gatekeeper chosen,
Extra ordinary
Every day man
The one who can
Reign in my thoughts for me,
As out of control they change and tumble violently
Shaken to my bones as the rope gets tugged
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